Hate Britain

What is going on at Tate Britain? It used to be a place to escape to away from all that worthy film, dull performance, and the grey monotony of Juan fucking Munoz and Miroslaw Balka that the tourists love downstream.
Seems however that the new boss at Milbank has taken against contemporary art. Since taking the job and declaring her intention to show contemporary British art in ‘real depth’, Penelope Curtis has scrapped the Art Now gallery and dispatched the Turner prize to Antarctica, er… I mean Baltic… somewhere even colder than here anyhow. We’re told it will come back in 2013 but then, in 2014, go to Derry which is essentially in another country, where the term ‘Britain’ and ‘British’ are not exactly universally celebrated (although they love their Gormley as much as Gateshead love theirs). What was it that turned her? Lack of money? Fear of scaring away corporate investment and Tory patronage? The Harry Potter generation of revolting students camped on her steps the other week? Or a desire for Tate Britain to be as irrelevant to British Art as the Henry Moore Institute was to the study of sculpture?
What has she got to replace it? No blockbusters she promises, but we’re suspicious. What’s going on with the 2012 Olympic tie-in show from Damien Hirst (that no-one but Serota wants). Will it be sent back up river from Bankside? Please God no.

Bad Medicine

So, on the day that Lehman Brothers went bust Hirst grossed £70,500,000 with his Christie’s fire sale (or at least that’s what he and they would have us believe). Amusing to see then that reality has caught up with the smug twat as his “We’ve Got Style (The Vessel Collection — Blue/Green)” medicine cabinet failed to attract a single bid at the Lehman liquidation sale. This was against the run of the sale which saw an above estimate return.

Time for Hirst’s hedge investors to dump some bad stock.

Christmas is over, and we at CoS are all very well rested and full to bursting with Christmas fayre.

So, final votes in….. here we go.

Most Ridiculous Idea For An Exhibition
And the nominees are:
POP LIFE
THE RUSSIAN LINESMAN
ANYTHING INVOLVING TOM MORTON
DAMIEN HIRST IN THE WALLACE COLLECTION

And the winner is… DAMIEN HIRST. Of course.

Most Ludicrous Use Of Production Funds
The nominees:
MONIKA SOSNOWSKA AT FRIEZE
DOMINIQUE GONZALEZ-FOERSTER
EVERYTHING CONRAD SHAWCROSS HAS EVER MADE
ANISH KAPOOR AT THE RA
ANTHONY GORMLEY’S FOURTH PLINTH

And the winner iiiiiis – GORMLEY. Need we explain?

Most Tiresome Self-Promoter
No nominees, just…..

HANNAH BARRY. It just shows what you can do with a premium PR background.

Best Art Blog

SCENE AND HERD
ART FAG CITY
ANITA’S ‘ART’ BLOG
BRIAN SHOLIS
CATHEDRAL OF SHIT!

Winner: ANITA. We can never compete with such a high profile line up; Madonna, Stormin’ Norman Rosenthal, Nick Serota, Jon Bon Jovi, err, Graham Hudson, David Blandy and Max Wigram. So the extremes of the art celebrity scale then.

Here’s some reminders of her brilliance for your viewing pleasure.

The “Really? Is That Actually Good?! You Rate That? Huh.” Award to An Artist

KARLA BLACK
SILKE OTTO-KNAPP
CHARLES AVERY
KATJA STRUNZ
JOSH SMITH

Winner? All of them, in their own special way.

Moodiest Gallerist

NICKY VERBER
TOBY WEBSTER
ROB TUFNELL
MARTIN MCGOWAN

Interesting, No women in there. Can you think of any moody women gallerists? Answers on a postcard (or comment, whichever you prefer). Oh, these lot, who’s won you say? God I’m bored of this. They can all win, miserable bastards.

and finally, the Cathedral Of Shit Award for the Person We’d Most Like To Just Change Career or Disappear Entirely As They Don’t Even Serve Us As An Object Of Mockery.

GORMLEY/QUINN/TAYLOR-WOOD/HIRST/EMIN.

Special Mention for 2009 goes to SARAH THORNTON. For being special and talented.

Hirst. We’ll keep it brief.

We went to see Damien Hirst’s exhibition last night. I know, I know, I was in the area.
Anyway, as expected it was one of the worst exhibitions I’ve ever seen. Not only is Mr Hirst an utterly talentless painter, but even breathing Bacon’s name in the same sentence is a bit if a travesty.

Beautifully just, is the Stuckists leaping to Hirst’s defence. Some of the worst artists in London (history?) are, after years of lampooning the man, now his vehement defenders.

Rembrandt Required

Damian’s finally stopped weighing his press coverage and started reading it. Realising that he can’t draw and paint he’s looking for some help in his shed:

http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/935126/painting-assistants/

More of the formaldehyde fisherman’s tales in the same newspaper:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2009/nov/14/damien-hirst-interview

BBC Radio Bore

Are you a fan of Radio Four? Thought so. Us too. Especially Gardeners’ Question Time, Front Row, and You and Yours.

Well, you’ll thank us then. Should you be listening in on Friday 2nd Oct, turn off and listen to a half hour of anything else between 7.15pm and 7.45pm as Damien Hirst will be ‘discussing’ his ‘painting’ on Front Row.
Hirst will be showing a series of works from ’06 – ’08 at the Wallace Collection, where one of White Cube’s silky-tongued staff has managed to convince them to show Hirst’s tat alongside their collection. In his own words, the works are “deeply connected to the past.” Profound.